You might wonder why anyone should reveal and expose one's life to friends, colleagues, ex-partners, and even whole society. Why should anyone talk so shamelessly open about inner thoughts, wars, and weaknesses?
Let me tell you some of my basic beliefs and convictions that make me trust in my story and my existence.
We have all more in common
than we might admit
I believe that most of our desires, needs, and longings are equal. We look for sense, love, beauty, fun, sex, laughter, inspiration, value, and acceptance. We might not have a big clue how to come there, we give these things a name, a word, but how can we learn love? How can we find sense?
We get easily lost in our ways. We struggle and might fail several times. I am still struggling with the definition of love. Have I ever loved? Will I ever love? How does love really feel like?
And at the same moment I am convinced that we all ask similar questions. So why should I be afraid of asking them out loud?
The past is there to learn from.
So why should only I benefit from mine?
I have no doubt that your own past has always to be your main source of learning. You need to try. You need to see. You need to decide. But I also see that we as humans have the ability to light a fire in each other. To hold a mirror in front of each other. You might identify in some situations with me, in others you might see your difference to me. In any case you will get to know better to yourself. And knowing yourself enables you to take real own decisions.
We need courageous and
authentic people on this earth
I am sure that everyone of us has got his own place and role on earth. His own value, talents, and purpose. But we can only live our purpose when we dare to stand to ourselves. How will I ever play my part when I am not faithful to myself and show who I am, defend what is important to me.
I do definitely not want to proclaim an ideology or my mind-set. I want to show with openness and courage that you can dare to define your own ideology and your own mind-set. And I am super curious to get to know to your world and to learn from you! There could be nothing more boring, nothing more destructive to society and individuals than equalizing human beings and making them think the same, believe in the same, and talk the same. Please be different than I am! Please think different than I do! Please challenge me! In discussions we can grow.
I do not want to make Jehovah's Witnesses
appear in a negative light
I was raised from birth on as Jehovah's Witness. I was 16 years old when I decided by free will and conviction to be a full member of Jehovah's Witnesses. But I had to face reality and be honest with myself. So, the most difficult but most honest decision was for me to not return to the community of Jehovah's Witnesses after being disfellowshipped in the age of 22. What I want to demonstrate and stress again and again in my blog is that I do not see myself fitting in the group of Jehovah's Witnesses but whoever finds happiness there shall use his free will and do so. I would harm myself and others by being one of them as I already have done. I made others suffer as I did as well. And still my family and old friends feel pain as I do. But I respect everyone who finds happiness and sense with being one of Jehovah's Witnesses. On the other hand I see people who might not be strong and courageous enough, not faithful to themselves. Just as I was. Not able to question my beliefs. Not able to think about another life.
I want to make you aware (in whatever situation you may be) that you will always be the only one responsible for your decisions. I have not the right to blame Jehovah's Witnesses for my suffering or anyone else's. And besides my inner fight I also had good and happy times in my youth within the community and with my beloved family.
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But I definitely draw my own and personal picture of them according to my experiences in the past, they might be positive, they might be negative. But they are mine. And I will treat them with the same openness and honesty as I treat my other areas in life. If you are a Jehovah's Witness yourself I do not want to convince you of another lifestyle. But I wholeheartedly want you (as I wish for everyone) that you have people around you that love you for who you are and that give you all the space you need for your individuality. Because your individuality is the most precious thing you can offer and you should love it.
I love being a human and
I feel no shame
You might have noticed that I am pretty open and honest talking about my life. I talk shamelessly about sex, lies, cheating, confusions, and weaknesses. Why do I so? Well, at the very moment when I lost all my reputation amongst Jehovah's Witnesses and when I revealed the truth about me being gay I felt the first time in my life the sweet taste of complete honesty and relief. No one could hurt me any more. There was nothing about me people did not know. I am totally ok with my mistakes, my weaknesses, my desires, my inner animal. Honesty is for me liberty and might. I see a big potential in humans when they open up and show vulnerability. There is no reason for shame. There is no reason to hide. I only see the benefit of learning and development. And honesty is contagious. I want to give you room and a place where you can think out loud, where you can be yourself, where you are not judged, where you can just show who you are. That is the society I dream of. So, I do my part to make my dream happen.
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I look forward to get to know you. Enjoy my blog. Be critical. Be challenging. Be phielzu (way too) yourself.