I come to a point in my story where my brain has difficulties to remember the right order of things happening. February and March - these months were too intense:
I install and uninstall constantly my dating app to meet guys and to regret again. My organism is torn between excitement and disappointment. I judge myself, I blame myself for being in that misery. These exceptional months implicit decisions that are really not carefully considered. On one side I give a shit what is going to happen since I have already destroyed our marriage anyway. On the other side I have that idea that if a marriage can be broken by sex it can also be reunited by sex. That is why I have again sex with my wife. I hope deep inside to continue my dream of family and kids together with her. In terms of prayer, I do not even dare to talk to Jehovah God about my sins. They seem to severe to me. Instead of praying I increase my preaching activity and give even more efforts in conducting the bible studies with Non-Witnesses. That makes me feel better since I contribute to the success of Jehovah's Witnesses but at the same time my time schedule becomes busier and busier.
So my plan is the following: I go every day during the week to university. I always take the same train on the same route. So, to be more efficient and to save time in my full-packed schedule I need to get gay contacts along this route that I could visit regularly for sex.
These visits should only last some few minutes so that I could continue quickly my way. This is how the following scene comes up:
I have got some two hours off during lunchtime at university that I normally use for going to the gym. So I do this time as well. I enter the subway, have a seat for my one and open my dating app Grindr. (You can learn more about the usage of Grindr, its characteristics and criticism on the blog post of PinkNews.) I hide my phone. No one shall see what I might be doing here.
A stranger on Grindr: Hey
Me: Hey, I cannot see you on your profile. Can you send me a picture?
Him: I rather prefer Discreet.
Oh damn... does this mean he won't show me his face until I finally meet him?
Me: Sorry, I really want to see a picture before meeting you.
Him: Don't worry so much. You will like me. Everyone has liked me before.
He sends at least a picture of his body which looks kind of OK. And who knows when I will have the next chance for sex. I only have got time now! And I still can say No as soon as I see him. I'll do it.
Me: OK. Where are you?
Him: Sends his location.
I get out of the subway. I walk fast. I always walk fast when I am nervous. I will just do it. Maybe the guy is really likable. And anyway, I can still leave if I don't like him. I just need to hurry a little more. The lecture starts in an hour. It takes me some time until I find his street. I am barely in this quarter of the city.
Turning into his street I cannot believe my eyes! Just directly in front of his door there is a well-dressed couple standing, equipped with the bible and some magazines. How is that possible! Just now are Jehovah's Witnesses ringing at his entrance? I pass the door walking some more meters down the street. I stop and look backwards. They leave the entrance. I do not dare to look into their faces. How shameful. How embarrassing. They are doing the preaching work that I have dedicated myself to as well. But right now? I am on the mission as someone's slut. My stomach turns at this thought. Is that a sign from god? Does he want to protect me? To warn me? Back then I was pretty sure that this couple was sent by god. But I did not see myself on their level of holiness. I am not holy enough, not good enough. I have come here in front of the door to a stranger guy to have sex with. That is obviously what I am. How depressed I feel. I approach the entrance and send him a message.
Me: I am here.
Him: Come to the third floor.
He unlocks the entrance door. The building is old. There is a musty smell. Sallow light. I walk upstairs. I walked many stairs in my life, visited many strangers, but always with the bible in my right hand. This time the stairs feel different.
I reach the third floor and scan the surrounding. There is one door slightly opened, so I go there. Now when I am directly in front of the door it opens up so that I can enter. I enter but there is no one. He closes the door behind me. He has hidden behind the door. I look at him. He locks the door.
What have I done?! I am afraid! Why does he lock the door? Damn! Where am I?!
He is small. He is not attractive. He put himself a leather costume on. He is repugnant. Even the memory makes me feel vomiting. I want out of here. But I cannot. I cannot. Why not? I cannot say no. I cannot deny. He is really disgusting but I am not self-determined. I have got no own will. It seems that from the very beginning I behave submissive. I do not even allow myself having any decision power. I have brought myself into this situation without bringing the required strength for resistance. I give up and play the game. It is a disgusting one. He starts kissing me and undresses me. We enter into his living room where he has put a porn movie on his laptop. This whole scene nauseates me. How can I do this here? How will I only get through this quickly? He sits down on the sofa in his ugly leather dress, opening the zipper of his leathern underwear and taking out his tiny penis. He makes me blow him. Just going through this memory now again causes headache and my stomach feels very sick. I cannot do that any longer. His penis feels slimy and smells. I go on but nearly vomit again and again. So, he does what I have not foreseen and what has never happened to me before. He grabs my legs, pushes them towards the wall, and tries to push his penis into my asshole. I am still sick from blowing and feel weak. I want this to end. Please quick. This has to end. I have never imagined my first anal sex experience like this. His penis is at least small. But it hurts anyway. It is a pain that I have never felt before. And he does not stop. This whole scene does not want to end. He has not even put a condom before starting to fuck me. I am totally lost and overstrained. I cannot deal with that. That is too much. I am not ready. Please stop! He pulls out his penis and cums over me. It is over... just over...
He hands me over some tissues to clean my body. I am still nice to him. I think about the locked door. As long as I am in this flat I will be nice to him. I still fear him. I get dressed.
Him: Do you have a boyfriend?
Me: I have a girlfriend.
Him: And he lets you fuck with others? You should keep him. He is a good boy.
He obviously hasn't even listened properly.
Me: Good Bye.
I feel forced to kiss him a last time. I do not want him to feel disgusting. But he definitely is. I do not even know where he is from. He does not speak my language. I just leave the apartment... I feel so worthless, without any will, without any strength. I am not ready for this world and these men.
To be continued...
Going through this experience in my mind another time, so detailed, imagining the scene again brings me really down. How could I be so weak? How could I be so easily manipulated? Why couldn't I stop the situation and leave the apartment. I guess it was fear. I did not dare to speak up. To speak up for my own will. In general I often gave myself less value than to others. Taking the submissive part. Ending up doing things that I don't enjoy.
I still struggle from time to time with feelings of worthlessness. In the meantime real friends have shown me how much I can appreciate being myself. But feeling worthless will make me always vulnerable towards others.
Knowing my worth is my best defense.
This was one painful experience that taught me a lot about myself and my lack of confidence and self-respect. Let's respect our bodies, let's respect our own will.
