#13: The most honest talks are the talks of Good-Bye

Philu
Jul 18, 2020
5 min read

There it was. I was outed. Outed myself infront of my parents, my twin - sitting together with my wife.

The hardest thing to do for gay person is admitting to oneself that you are different. I am different from whatever my parents expected from me, what my brothers expected from me, what Jehovah God expects me to be. And ultimately, giving up on my own expectations towards me:

Having a wife and building a family with kids from my own flesh? Expectations broken.

Being the son I wanted my parents to be proud of? Expectations broken.

Being the loving husband to my beloved wife who I wanted to be? Expectations broken.

It all broke together on that day that I was forced to come out of the closet. Maybe life forced me to this situation. Maybe there was no other way, no other choice it could have happened differently. Maybe it was just how it was supposed to happen. This is what I say now. This was definitely not how I thought back then.

Back then I was a sinner. I was a homosexual sinner and broke my wife's and family's heart. Maybe eternally. And my own heart and soul was broken lying on the ground.

It was totally clear to me what is going to happen now:

I will be invited to a meeting with the pastors to talk about my sins and if I would continue being part of the Jehovah's Witnesses community. But for me I felt so devastated that I did not even see myself worth of continuing in this religion. Being called a man of God. A witness for Jehovah. This honor was not suitable for me. Too big and heavy was my sin. And the suffering I caused to my dearest friends and my family. That is why I decided to tell and out myself towards all friends that were really important to me: and back then it was only Jehovah's Witnesses that I called my friends. They were all I got. They were all that is important in my life.

Throughout a whole week I set up appointments (or shall I say disappointments) with my friends. Each individually. They were all male. They were all my guys I deeply appreciated and maybe I have never had that many male friends again. But I opened up to each of them. I told them that I was gay. That I cheated on my wife. That I will for sure be expulsed from the religion. I feared their reactions so much. But it turned out that it was for no reason (at least in our individual talks). My friends showed great understanding for me and comforted me. They kept calm. Hugged me. They told me how important it is now for me to stick close to God and come back soon. Becoming soon one of Jehovah's Witnesses again. They told me their stories of sexual misconduct, their secrets about watching porn, their difficulties with being faithful towards their wifes. All things that I would have never expected from them.

This is why I chose the title of this article: Sometimes we have to say good bye to really get to know each other. And suddenly everyone was being honest with me. When they saw me so devasteted, feeling so guilty, feeling so dirty. They started to open up as well. Finally far away from the holiness of the religion. Finally far away from the pressure of being a faithful Christian. And they let me in their own private life for a few minutes. I want to say thank you to all the honest talks I had back then and for your courage to tell me your stories. I hope you have found a way to combine your feelings and the expectations you are living with every day. I will be always here just as you were back then for me. But yeah, the most honest talks are the talks of good-bye. I saw their fear of maybe never seeing me again. Back then I told everyone of them I would return soon and we will be reunited again. I deeply and honestly apologize for having created these false expectations. Expectations I could not live up to. Because I would live a false and dishonest life. And dishonesty was what I wanted finally to get rid of. Starting to live a moral life, an authentic and honest life. Where people would know what to expect from me and what not. But this time again I promised things I couldn't stick to. I just could not.

Please forgive me, my friends... I am well aware of your sadness.

Since I left Jehovah's Witnesses I had the precious chance to get in touch with some of my friends I had back then within the religion. And it was mind-opening for me to see and discover their real personalities. Every time I met one of them for the first time after I began my new life I felt so nervous. I did not always know the purpose of our meeting and often thought they want to judge me or bring me back to the religion. But no, they were upright honestly interested in how I was and most of the times needed a real friend to trust and open up to. Someone who would not blame them for their feelings and doubts. Someone who would not report them to the pastors for their insecurities. And I felt honored and still feel it that they trusted me so much. A big thank you to my dear friends whom I share the same past with. The same stories and anxieties. I know we will always be there for each other whenever our past wants to swallow us and makes us fear. This fear to make wrong decisions. Whenever decisions by heart can never be wrong although they hurt sometimes.

Saying Good-Bye opened my way to feel what real friendships are. And saying Good-Bye opened my path to really say good bye to so many friends who just let me down for being me, for feeling what I feel, and for not fitting into their world of expectations any more. A true lesson on friendships I am endlessly grateful for until today. Because losing friends creates every time place and room for new and better friends. Losing friends means that you evolve and that some people do not fit into your life any more because they do not want to understand that the whole life is about evolution and recreation. An endless circle nobody can ecape from. And those who try to escape will also escape from my life.