Yes, you have just heard right. Gay, 18 years-old, mentally healthy (I guess ;-) ) and dating a girl. How the hell could that happen and why should I want to have a girlfriend around me. Well, there are some facts you should know about myself.
I grew up in a lovely family. My parents, two big brothers and my twin <3. From the very beginning of my life I was raised as one of Jehovah's Witnesses. Ever heard about them? For sure I am going to publish another blog post all about my life as Witness. For the moment I just let you know that gay sex or gay relationships are definitely not tolerated in their community. You can read the Witnesses' point of view also here on their website.
I raised with the conscious that "gay" is something wrong and makes god very sad. So, I pushed my gay feelings just aside every day into another world - a parallel one. In this very same parallel world I watched gay porn, I fell in love with guys at school and in church. By creating this second world I did not have to deal with it in my reality, in the Witnesses' world that I loved so much and in my family that I still love.
So, I programmed myself that a man will never be my future. I really believed that this would be bad for me and something horrible to do. But come on! Dying in loneliness? What perspective was there for me with all my hidden feelings? This is where the love story with my girl begins and which ended in tons of pain.
We got to know each other on a Jehovah's Witnesses' bowling evening. A lot of young people gathered together. There were two cycles of friends meeting and so I also met this girl (let's call her Sophie). She has an incredibly beautiful appearance paired with tenderness and shyness. Me, as an outgoing person, I just like to include more reserved and shy people. She also has got another friend with her who was the workmate of one of my best friends (what a small world in Munich). We all ended up creating our own friends' group and meeting up every week. After nearly a year going by the Oktoberfest in Munich finally approached. My group did not miss one time this big party going on every year in Munich. So also in 2012. Sophie and me were having a good time with our friends and of course BEEEER! We cautiously began embracing each other, touching hands, that was sooooo exciting!! My very first time in life I ever touched someone like this. What do we learn: Alcohol helps a lot! ;-) The following days we were chatting a lot about what has happened and decided to have a relationship. That is actually quite a big thing! For a Jehovah's Witness a relationship means the intention to marry. She was 17 years old! I just turned 18.
Why did I want this relationship? On one hand I knew that a girl is the only possibility for me. I really liked her but a big part of my inner-self just feared my own feelings. Deep in myself I knew that I am gay. But all the rest of me wanted to get rid of this gayness, wanted to defeat it. So, I felt really save about having this heterosexual relationship. I had something tangible in my hands that proves to me that I am not gay. I could use this relationship in front of others but most importantly towards me as evidence of finally not being gay. And I really did not want to be gay - to live a life that I learned would be wrong and destructive for me. I really hate to call her this way but she was to a big extend my alibi-girlfriend.
Talking about relationships amongst Jehovah's Witnesses: there is no sex included. It is also called the phase of getting to know each other. Theoretically there is no sex before marriage. But we were young and in love with each other. So, you can imagine that we were not satisfied with holding each other's hands. You already see: a third hidden world just arose. I just learned in the Witnesses' world to put on a fake visage. I always wanted to be a good Witness but life taught me a complete other lesson.
Anyway, after two years I finally asked her to be my wife. I organized some snacks at a lake, her eyes blindfolded, and sang a song that I just wrote for her:
"Beloved, there is no need for fear
Of what future will bring.
It is in our hands
And with God we will succeed.
Do we want to go together,
love each other for all times?
Yes, I say to you here and today,
Say Yes if you are ready."
We cried and fell into each other's arms.
We were engaged for one year and a half. I still had to finish my apprenticeship in order to gain enough money for the wedding and our new flat. Finally, we got married in June 2016. That weekend was super exciting! We were on the top of the world and everyone talked about us and our wedding. When it comes to our life in bed things were a little complicated. I mean, what do you expect from two virgins and one of them being gay?? But anyway, starting our sex life was a quite exciting thing for me. I guess the first time sex for anyone is something exciting and new! Also because I really had so deep feelings for her.
It did not take long, maybe two months, and I began watching gay porn again. That felt just horrible! All the illusion of my marriage with Sophie just faded. Nothing helped against my desire for gay sex. Surprisingly, we had sex quite often. Even if for me it was not often enough. She judged me several times as sex addicted. I finally started believing that. Today I know that I often use sex to fulfill unsatisfied needs, maybe because of being bored, maybe because of being unhappy with my job. Back then I may have used sex with her because of my unhappiness with the concept of life I followed. I really wanted to find the joy in sex that I have expected. But it turned out to be the wrong place for me in bed.
She still did not know a thing about me being gay. I am sure that she sometimes had this gut feeling about me but in the end all of us, we are blind for things we do not want to see. Hiding this secret towards her felt so false and deceitful. I compensated that by being very loving with her, treating her like a princess. I was on a point where I could not differentiate any more between: Do I really love her? Or Do I just use her to live a life as it is expected from me?
In November 2016 I finally came out. But only for her. The reason was not even that I could not stand this deceitful feeling any more. I learned already for years how to live a false life. But it was a simple application for a privileged position in the Jehovah's Witnesses' community why I came out. This position is called Pioneer. You spend around 70 hours per month in preaching - visiting strangers and offering them bible courses and literature from Witnesses. Sometimes you see them for sure in the streets offering magazines. This time also counts as preaching. And I really wanted to be a pioneer. Sophie already did that. Back then we were in Mexico-City for some months because I had a job there from my company in Munich. I wanted to be a pioneer because you really enjoy more attention by the Witnesses when you are a very active member. In addition, all of my three brothers including my twin were already pioneers. I really wanted to be part of them and make my family proud. The only problem with this application was that they ask you if you have watched porn during the last 12 months. So, did I! And of course, I ticked Yes! I really believed that god is watching and he I need his blessing for the new position. Nevertheless, I did not tell what sort of porn it was. I sent this application to my pastors in Munich and the answer was:
"We are sure that you fulfill the requirements. There is just this point about pornography. Can you please explain if this just happened by accident or if you looked it up intentionally. Since when do you have this problem? And does your wife already know?"
I was paralyzed. Of course, I could have expected this answer but reading now black on white that I would have to tell Sophie just made my heart stop beating for a second. I directly texted her that I have something important to talk about with her in the evening. During all day I just was stuck in my head seeking the right words to say. Even though I knew that for this situation there are no right words. Nothing to turn this into something bearable for her heart. She arrived at home:
Me: "Hey darling, I have got some news concerning the application for the pioneer."
Sophie: "What's up?"
Me: "There is a point in there which makes the pastors doubt."
Sophie: "About porn?"
(I have to add that Sophie and me already talked about me watching porn. But she thought I had watched naked women. She did not have a big problem with that. But now the situation turns.)
Me: "Yes, can you guess what it might be?"
Sophie: "Well, I did not talk to you about this topic any more as I saw that you felt uncomfortable with it."
Me: "I feel sorry to say this to you but it was gay porn."
Sophie: "What?!"
She started to cry so heavily as I never saw her crying in all the years.
Sophie: "You betrayed me. You lied to me. You trapped me. Trapped in a marriage with a gay man. Why does this happen to me?!"
We were crying together knowing that things will never be as they were. She decided to stay with me. I believed that I was bisexual. That was how we continued. The next weeks were like sitting in a roller coaster. We kept the perfect facade of the just married couple. Not even half a year has passed by since our wedding. Sometimes she was so supportive and understanding. We were both looking forward to paradise on earth when finally I will be totally hetero and we will still love and live together. We believed that with god everything is possible - even maintaining this marriage. On other days she teased me for my behavior looking for ways how to humiliate me for my homosexuality. Of course she did not know how to handle our situation, nor did I.
In order to gain my new position as pioneer I had to stop watching porn. And I actually did! Three full months I did not watch any porn. But my desires suddenly did not have any outlet anymore to be released. That is when I started to download dating apps. Still they did not ask in the application if I was active on dating apps. So, writing with gay men was really thrilling and gave me the excitement I lacked. Every time I sweated and trembled during chatting. But that was so false. I had a wife who kept on living with me despite knowing I was gay (or bi back then). And I did these things behind her back. I even left our bed to watch porn during our honeymoon in Mexico. And now I lie next to her chatting with gay men. What a mess in my life!
This story is to be continued but until here I want to share with you how awful and painful a double life can be. For you and those you love.
I am definitely going to write about living a double life and will discuss it on a more abstract base. I would love to have your opinions on that and say a BIG THANK YOU that you read my very first post here!
Keep on being phiel zu (way too) yourself! ;-)
